Eating Lunch by Myself

As a teacher, on a day to day basis I spend a lot of energy listening to students, probing and facilitating conversations. When students come in tired, sleep deprived with little energy, I try to pick them up by doing energizers, projecting out ten times more energy than they are showing, often only to find out that their lethargy wins over my effort. Needless to say, this extroverted ‘front’ as a teacher in class as opposed to my more true quiet introverted self chews up a lot of my energy.

In the book ‘Quiet’, Susan Caine discusses the idea of ‘Restorative Niche’ - a place you go when you want to return to your true self. In societies that are often designed around ‘extroverted ideals’, it is so important for introverts like me to find this niche to take a break from the external stimulus and restore myself. She describes the importance of connecting with this place on a consistent basis.

I seem to have an internal gauge for the level of extroverted energy I can offer. When I go over a certain threshold, I seek for my Restorative Niche and give myself a permission slip to have lunch by myself. I sit, not looking at my phone or my computer screen, and eat in silence, simply being me. In this space I can separate from the pressure to be funnier, more talkative and more overtly smiley to be a ‘cool’ teacher and simply be grounded in my true, quiet, self. It is a kind space that envelops me and says ‘It is okay to be me.’ Sometimes this Restorative Niche takes other forms and I take myself on a silent walk or do quiet yoga stretches in the backroom.

Last academic year, I found out the hard way the danger of NOT connecting to my Restorative Niche. I almost burnt out because my energy was going out, out, out, spending much of my time trying to emulate a more extroverted colleague who was highly popular with students and being apologetic for my introverted nature. I was not only providing myself the space to connect with my true self, but I was beating myself up for who I was, increasingly having narratives like ‘I am not good enough…’ and ‘I should be more like this…’.

Our society has a tendency to focus on showy, visible, extroverted behaviors and overlook the quiet power and behaviors that many exemplify. There is somehow an unspoken rule that being extroverted is better than being an introvert. In my case, this rule permeates to my professional role and I feel the need to constantly project out extroverted energy in my teaching.

I hope for a world where each of us can feel comfortable and self-assured in their own skin, and not feel like they have to constantly meet expectations set by the larger society. Some of us prefer to be alone, prefer to not post on instagram, prefer to tend to their garden rather than work for a promotion. Rather than wait for the world to change to be more inclusive of diverse standards, we can start by creating a Restorative Niche for ourselves to unapologetically be ourselves and restore ourselves. For me, I believe that my continued connection to my Restorative Niche will build in me the strength and self-belief in my quiet self, and energy to turn my quiet power to something authentic and kind within the wider community.

What is your Restorative Niche? Chances are, you already have something that you do that you find yourself in your own element. The important thing to do is to build it in your routine and do it on a consistent basis unapologetically to restore you. If you have not found one then take some time to imagine practices that may ground you - like journaling, drawing, or making a beautiful meal. Try it out at least five times to see if does ground you. If it does, then build it in your routine. If it doesn’t, then simply try something else. Every step will get you closer to finding your Restorative Niche and finding strength in who you are, even when the external expectations may be slightly misaligned with your true element.